How do I deal with mean girls when they are my friends?

5 Apr

Dear Losers,

Sometimes I feel like me and my friends are competing when it comes to boys, friends, and extra-curricular activities. And  sometimes they can be really mean. It’s so confusing!

How do you deal with mean girls and competitive friends?

Abby, 16

Dear Reader,

You punch them on camera and post it on Youtube. Duh. Haven’t you ever seen the 10 o’ clock news?

I’m joking. Violence is never the answer ladies. It’s all about psychological warfare! Be mean to the girl and destroy her self- esteem so you gain a competitive advantage. Oh, and steal her boyfriend. ( It can’t hurt. )

Once again, I’m joking.

But sadly, some girls aren’t. Some girls do set out to destroy any girl they are jealous of, even if it’s their friend. It’s a little something I like to call the Teen Star Syndrome. As you know, teen stars like Taylor Swift and Demi Lovato, had a hard time growing up. I saw Taylor Swift in an interview say that some days she would go to school and wonder if anyone was going to talk to her that day.

Sad face. 😦

WHAT?!

It’s hard to fathom because she’s super famous now. Many adore her. If she walked into a high school now, she’d be mobbed. Everyone would be trying to talk to her! Why wouldn’t you  like someone who was fun, talented and unique?

But that’s probably the exact reason people were mean to her.

I know what some of you are thinking. “Well good! I don’t like Taylor Swift either! Why do I have to like her? Her music is stupid!”

And others of you are thinking, “Oh no you did NOT just say that about my idol, Taylor. You better hide at the next Justin Bieber concert!”

And what I am saying is calm down. Insert the name of whatever bullied star you like. I’m just trying to illustrate a point here.

Yes, we all have people who don’t like us or find us annoying. But when someone goes out of their way to be mean to you for no reason,  it usually stems from something. In Taylor’s case and others like hers, I’d say it’s probably jealousy.

When you are good at something,  sometimes people are jealous and want to ostracize you. And when you are different, sometimes people think you are weird and they want to ostracize you.

So imagine when you are both!

I’ve witnessed it firsthand.  My sister grew up a superstar dancer. She is also really nice and adorable. (I’m not biased or anything.) And some girls in the dance world are really mean to her. I guess they think,

Well she’s my competition. I don’t want her to (gasp) feel good about herself. I don’t want to give off the vibe “Hey, I think you’re cool and talented!” So I will give off the vibe of ” Hey, I DON’T think your cool and talented. Oh and P.S., I hope you cry yourself to sleep at night! Love ya!”


But the only clear vibe these girls are giving off is, Hey, I’m insecure!

Be a true friend and figure out who your true friends are. My sister used to refer to her true friends as her “non-bitchy friends.” That cracks me up. I guess so she doesn’t confuse them with  her “bitchy friends” ?  It always makes me picture an AOL buddy list-

“Bitchy Friends (8/50)”

“Non-Bitchy Friends (3/10)”

Oh cool Non-Bitchy Natalie is online!

Luckily she’s learned how to deal with her “bitchy- friends.” She knows when to stand up for herself and avoid getting taken advantage of by them. She realized that her mean friends aren’t her real friends. They are more like mean acquaintances!

So when a friend or close acquaintance is mean to you, don’t be afraid to tell them that.  You can say, (in an even tone), (okay, or in a sassy one), “ Hey, that was pretty mean. I’m confused, are you mad at me? ”

Confronting someone may be a hard concept for nice girls to grasp, but you aren’t being mean. You are simply pointing out their behavior.

It’s like when someone has blueberry smoothie in their teeth, and you say Hey,  you have blueberry smoothie in your teeth. See ya at practice!

The facts are the facts.

And the fact is, girls who are mean are mean because they get away with it. I’ve had friends ask me, Why isn’t Mean Madison mean to you??

And I say, “Because she knows I won’t put up with it!”

If Mean Maddy knows you won’t put up with it, she will probably give up and go be mean to someone else. It’s sort of like when you go to Target and they are out of your favorite lip gloss. You’re like, Oh well, I’ll go to Rite Aid instead!

You can also just be the bigger person and not let it get to you. If  you don’t have to put up with a meanie often, and you feel its inappropriate to confront them, then don’t. You don’t need to be Confrontational Connie, throwing a tantrum over everything. Go ahead and laugh it off.

And if the mean girls come around and start being nice, try to be receptive. It’s difficult, but avoid the mean cycle. Sometimes former frenemies can become best friends! (I didn’t invite Tricia to my birthday when we  met in elementary school and she started a club against me. Complete with STATIONARY. And look at us now!)

But that’s for another post.

If you still find yourself struggling with those meanies, then write a song about it. Or listen to Taylor’s.

Listen to Taylor\’s new song, \”Mean\”!

And check out how she dealt with bullies!

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20255247,00.html

If you like this post, please link to it on your Facebook or Twitter account! Or add it to StumbleUpon or Digg. Thanks!

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14 Responses to “How do I deal with mean girls when they are my friends?”

  1. Shanaynay April 5, 2011 at 5:22 pm #

    i used to get teased for my stutter , so whenever i would et harrassesd id just tell the people who bothered e they would be cleaning out my office when i become famous (:

  2. Stop Being a Loser April 5, 2011 at 5:54 pm #

    Haha that’s awesome! Way to stand up for yourself, Shanaynay!

  3. Jessica April 5, 2011 at 8:26 pm #

    haha! is it sad that my most played song on itunes is “mean” by taylor swift? I went through a period of time when I played it at least 5 times a day… and I’m being completely honest. It just shows that you learn to grow from the way mean girls treat you. You learn to accept and love yourself, while the mean girls, however just stay mean.

  4. Thrifty Vintage Chic April 7, 2011 at 5:47 pm #

    this is so, so true. I’ll soon be doing a post on prom fashion and posting some of my old school HS photos … and guess who’s not shown in them? My date and why is that? Because I had no date … but that never stopped me from going and enjoying life.

  5. Stop Being a Loser April 8, 2011 at 9:59 am #

    So awesome! Tons of people went to our prom stag too because who cares! Prom is about having fun, not going with the love of your life. Thanks for commenting!!

  6. Anna Lefler April 9, 2011 at 7:20 am #

    Oh, man – this is a universal topic among girls and women, and one that returns again and again through all stages of life, I believe.

    I tell my daughter all the time: “You train people how to treat you.”

    Sometimes you just have to roll up that ol’ newspaper, give the mean girl a whack on her sweaty little nose and say, “No!”

    Great post!

    XO

    A.

  7. Loser 2.0 April 9, 2011 at 11:26 am #

    You’re right…it is a universal topic/problem. Many mean girls turn into mean women. Great advice you’ve given your daughter…If only all girls got the same memo!

  8. Connie April 11, 2011 at 8:24 pm #

    what? not ALL connies are confrontational! 😉

  9. Stop Being a Loser April 12, 2011 at 8:40 am #

    Ahahaha! What’s funny is, I try to avoid using names of my friends, in case they they think I’m talking about them. I originally had it as Confrontational Christine but I have called her Confrontational Christine before. So I changed it to Connie. I’m running out of C names okay?!

  10. rose June 3, 2011 at 3:08 pm #

    Hi.
    I just came across your blog post though a search and was disappointed by what I read. Taylor is a mean girl; she writes mean things about other girls in her songs. She teaches girls that the girl dating their crush is a slut and an obstacle. If anything, Taylor is a recent cause of mean girls. She sings that she laughs at the girls “who think they are so cool”. She is tearing down girls who are confident.
    She worships boys and sings songs about being incomplete without them. I worry about the girls part of this generation, because they will be setting their standards very low.
    Also, you really have to question the validity of her statement. Taylor is a product and is made to be a girl others look up to. Making her a victim is definitely part of why she is so popular. Girls who were teased in say middle school will identify with her; but due to the message of her songs, they are the girls who make fun of girls in college.

  11. Stop Being a Loser June 3, 2011 at 3:50 pm #

    Hi Rose!

    Thank you for sharing. You make some great points. We solely meant Taylor as an example of a girl that was ostracized or bullied by girls growing up for no good reason. Or because they may have been jealous or thought they were in competition with her. Because I have seen it happen to a lot of girls and it just isn’t right!

    I think she is someone that sings songs about how she really feels, whether those feelings are pretty or not. Some of those songs do sound mean spirited. I know a lot of people disagree with how she expresses herself. She certainly sings about revenge a lot, which is not a very nice concept! Thanks again for sharing!

  12. Anonymous April 15, 2012 at 1:52 pm #

    Hey, I’m being bullied and excluded by my group of friends. I can’t just leave and find new ones. I get crushed when I hear they ditched me, what’s some advice that I can use to just get over the little things and exclusion?

  13. Stop Being a Loser April 15, 2012 at 3:35 pm #

    Hi Anonymous,

    I would try talking to them about it first. As cheesy as it sounds, a friendship is a two-way street, and if your friends are mistreating you, it’s not up to you to just put up with it. If they don’t see the err in their ways and stop bullying and excluding you, then you really can find new friends that treat you like friends should. I know it’s hard and overwhelming to make new friends. We have all been there. But often, putting up with your friend’s bad behavior just invites more of it. I’m an avoider myself. Sometimes I think, maybe if I avoid this issue it will just go away. But it usually doesn’t. (I know, total ripoff right?!)

    If their bad behavior doesn’t stop and you feel like you can’t find new friends, then the best thing to do in the meantime is hold your head high and not give your power away. By that I mean, if you feel like they are trying to make you feel bad about yourself, then don’t. I know it’s hard when people are doing mean things to you. You think well people are doing mean things to me, therefore I should feel bad about myself. While that is a perfectly natural response, you don’t have to feel that way. Over time you can teach yourself to be strong because bullies love victims. Sometimes when dealing with bullies, it’s best to just think to yourself, “I know what you are trying to do to me, but unfortunately for you, it won’t work. I choose how I feel about myself, not you. YOU BIG BULLY!” (And then you can do an evil laugh in your head.) And then go be nice to someone. It’s the best way to break the cycle AND make new friends.

    I hope this helps. Remember, you are not alone.

    Email us at stopbeingaloserblog@gmail.com if you have any more questions!

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